I had hoped...

... that my friends were more grown up than this, but I guess I was wrong. It's a little... no, it's a lot upsetting.
Let me back up.

About a month ago, I made a kind of coarse joke at my friend Corey's expense in a text message conversation with Caryn. It's never been a problem before, we all take digs at each other in a joking manner, and if something was more offensive than intended, we said something and there was an apology and it was forgotten.
I guess that doesn't happen any more.
Caryn proceeded to tell Corey and Holly this joke behind my back, and they became righteously indignant over. Somehow, I don't think she told it as a joke. She'd already rebuked me for being rude, and I had said, "You're right, it was mean. I did only mean it as a joke, though."
I guess that didn't matter.
Well, Corey and Holly took their righteous indignation and stewed in it until they no longer wanted to be my friends. I say things that go too far, Holly finally explained to me last night. But instead of putting me in my place and explaining what I'd done wrong, they let me guess at it.
By the way, I had to piece this together from what Holly finally told me when I couldn't stand being ignored any more.
I'd have even been okay if they'd said, "You know what, Kate? I'm really hurt by what you said, and this isn't the first time. I'm not sure if I want to be friends with you any more." That would have been fine. At least then I wouldn't have been left in the dust to figure out why everyone else had kicked me off the wagon.
But no, I was left in the dust until I was so angry and frustrated I had to almost lash out at them to get an answer.
The only answer came from Holly.
Caryn never said anything, despite being the catalyst.
Corey, I don't think, Every will say anything because he's not very confrontational like that.

And what bothers me is Caryn makes the same jokes, if not worse and yet she gets away with it. She does things that she knows are aggravating because she thinks its funny when you get really annoyed. But that's okay. Because apparently being a jerk makes it easier to tell when you're joking because you're never serious. And then it's okay, because we can tell you're joking. So, when we can't really tell if you're joking, as is the case with me (or so I was told) rather than say, "Are you serious?" we just let it go and get offended and refuse to take a step to make it known, when it's obvious the offender has no idea what's going on.
If someone could explain that to me in a way that makes sense, I'd be deeply appreciative.

So now I have to try and get Corey to listen to me long enough for me to explain, and apologize, and try to at least make things right, even if he still doesn't want to be friends. And then, I need to talk to Caryn. But I'm far too angry at her right now to do that. What really bugs me is that I saw Corey on Saturday and he acted like nothing was wrong. So, either this is a very recent thing, or he's just a very convincing actor.
Either way, I'm just as hurt by this as they are.
I'd hoped that we were grown up enough to say to someone that what they'd said was rude, and hurtful, and perhaps a reevaluation of the relationship was in order.

But I guess not.

There goes three of my best friends.

"A word misspoken in anger is a word misconceived in anger."
~Some Buddhist person, I forget who

1 comment:

Donna Lee said...

Friendships are tough. I hope you guys can work this out. You've been friends for so long....it'd be a shame for it to end like this.